United Kingdom (Britain)
European Union (EU)
Britain: EU, you need to amend your basic principles, so we can have more perks and less commitments, or we might be leaving.
EU: You got enough concessions already, stop it.
Britain: Would you really risk us leaving?
EU: Yeah, as if you really wanted to.
Britain: Oh, yeah?!!! Just hold our beer and watch us!
Britian: Oh no! Seems that we are indeed leaving. It’s a disaster!
EU: Wow, that was unexpected… Britain, are you alright?
Britain: (gathering itself from the shock): of course we are alright! We could not be better! Today is the first day of our future! We are going to be free, and rich, and everything that is good will stay the same, and everything we don’t like is to be gone, and then we will have some more of those good things!
EU: It does not really work like that, you know that, right?
Britain: Of course it is, you silly sods. You are saying so, because you are simply jealous. Just watch us!
EU: Well… Anyway, everyone is getting fed up with your constant moaning, so I guess we might very well go ahead with it. So, let’s talk about the divorce, here, those are your options in order from the closest to the most distant cooperation between us in the future: A or B or C. We need to discuss how you would actually see it.
Britain: We want perks from A, but commitments from C
EU: No, it does not work like that. A, B or C.
Britain: You are anti-British! If you dont’ bend to our demands, we will leave with no deal at all.
EU: Well, if you really have too… That would unfortunate. We would probably survive somehow, but let’s not have it that way. What about we try to do some negotiations first?
Britian: Aha! We told you so! You are so scared of us leaving, that you are going to beg us to stay! Haha! We knew it!
UE: Whatever. So, what we are at? Ah, A, B or C. So which one you propose?
Britain: Option K.
UE: WTF? What is K?
Britain: Well, it’s basically all the perks from A and all the commitments from C.
UE: Well, it did not work like that, we told you so already. You can pick only one letter.
Britain: so we did! We called that option K!
UE: No, we won’t fall for this.
Britain: You will suffer! It will be very bad for you if we leave without the deal!
UE: Indeed, but it would be much worse for you, do you really want to go that way?
Britain: If we have to, we will. We won’t stop from nothing! Rule Britannia!
UE. OK. Whatever you say. (yawns, looks around, bored). O, look there is some football happening in Russia. (sits closer to the TV to watch the game)
Britain: (watching over its shoulder for a while, then gets bored, sctratches its head and start poking the EU) So?
UE: So what?
Britain: So what do you propose?
UE: we already said so: A, B, or C. What’s your choice?
UE: Oh, for fuck’ sake, what is G now?
Britain: It’s like K, but amended to your demands. (hands the document in)
UE: Where, I look into it, ans I see all the same crap. Where it is amended?
Britain: Here. (waves hand in the general direction of the document)
UE: Where exactly?
Britain: Here, in the title. (points a finger to the one letter) We proposed K, you said K is not acceptable, so we call it G now. All your demands have been met!
UE: (sighs heavily). Enough of that crap. A, B, C or get lost. You got just a few months left, you are making it difficult for everyone. Are you going to propose something acceptable or not?
Britain (starting secretly stockpiling food just in case, feeling unsafe, looking desperately around for help, but only seeing members of it’s team running away): Errr… Well… Ehm.. What if… Eeee… Perhaps we could do it that… eerrr.. that we don’t change anything for two years, and then do K?
UE: There is no option of K. Only A, B, and C are in line with the EU principles, which you helped to develop yourself. But you are welcome to leave everything as it was before that silly referendum of yours.
Britain: But we need to protect our principles of Brexit!
UE: And so we need to protect principles of the EU.
Britain: But we are leaving, you should accomodate us to give
as a good deal?
UE: It’s you, who’s leaving. You have to accomodate, if you want to have any deal!
Britain: You are making this difficult, but we are going to negotiate hard!
UE: THANKS GOD! JUST ABOUT TIME! Bring it on, then! We would really like to see some actual negotiations taking place for a change. The date is getting closer and closer, time is critical.
Britain: Well, I think I need some holidays.
To be continued 🙂
This was inspired by and build upon some tweets and internet comments I saw. 🙂